Roller Coaster Ramblings

This week I’ve witnessed beautiful transformation.  A woman who was literally beaten down to nothing, she’d barely raise her head when someone spoke to her.  She rarely spoke back unless asked a direct question.  She now laughs and smiles, starts a conversation.  She looks like a different person.  It was so beautiful I cried after our hearing.

I cried after another hearing this week as well.  It was anything but beautiful.  It was hell.  A mother who loves her children passionately but cannot understand the system, cannot understand how the people around her are desperately trying to help her.  There seems to be a severe processing disorder, combined with mental illness, and possible drug use.  It’s an unholy trio making her life hell.  Thus far, we can’t reach her.

A woman who gives her life to helping others is going home to hospice care.  She’s a thousand miles away.  I can’t hold her hand.  I’ve been too afraid to call and hear her voice or to have her hear mine while it breaks.

I gave up last week.  My heart was breaking.  My house was a mess.  I called off the Advent Church or “Weird Shit Group” as my friend, Lois calls it.  I knew I should go ahead but I didn’t.  As Sunday looms and my house is in worse shape than last week and my heart has been wrung out more than imagined it could be in a week, I’m committed to hosting our Advent Church or Weird Shit Group.  It’s worse not to have it.  I need it.  I learned a lesson this past week.  I can’t give up just because it seems hard or that I don’t know what I’m doing.

We are in the darkness of Advent but the light is coming.  The hope of the world calls out to us.  She  sings sweetly that transformation is possible and joyous and wonderful.  And perhaps one day, when we face our death others will mourn that we’ve given our lives to help others, to reflect the light and joy of the Hope of the World.  That will be success.

Advertisements

One thought on “Roller Coaster Ramblings

  1. Oh, precious you! Your gifts are so tremendous and you are serving so many. I am grateful that you are sharing these hard times…and that I am able to be here to stand by you (however virtually).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s